Blogging from A to Z isn’t the only challenge I adopted for April. I also committed to posting something positive about myself each day on Facebook under #FindTheFavorable. I’ve long used FB as a space to share my accomplishments, only to undercut them with self-deprecating remarks or qualifiers. In short, to explain why my triumphs, strengths, and personal merits don’t really mean anything at all, because who am I to say I’m great?
Logically, I know that’s bullshit. I am exactly the right person to tell you I’m amazing. Thing is, I can’t. Not yet. This second-guessing, this shrugging off, is deeply ingrained, I’m not sure how to break through. Not sure when I adopted that self confidence was a negative attribute. Still working out how to allow myself to unabashedly accept that there is a hell of a lot about me worth acknowledging. Hell, celebrating.
A part of me feels that if I own I’ve got impressive qualities, it somehow steps on other people with similar/more impressive qualities. Silly, but I can’t abide hurting other people’s feelings. While I’m not adding qualifiers, it does take me several rewrites before posting, “I’ve got a pretty great butt.” That was my Day 2, and was downgraded from ‘awesome’ to ‘pretty great’. I’ve deleted updates on my writing, my musicianship, my stage combat skills because I wasn’t ready to own them. Today, I allowed that my legs were long and strong, but excised ‘lean’. Not sure serious editing beforehand is true to the spirit of my own challenge; I’m still not quite there when it comes to just letting the world know I think I’m fantastic. Still not there in believing it myself.
It’s all kinds of frelled.
But hey, it’s Day 7. If I can #FindTheFavorable for a full month, no matter how painful and creaky the process, that’s a thirty days where I’m not undercutting my every positive thought, my every achievement.
It’s a start. Good for me. GREAT for me. Baby steps are still steps forward.